Processing the end...

Disclaimer: this is going to be a longer post than usual. It’s actually going to be really long. Sorry about that, but please read on if you feel so inclined.

I’ve just been thinking so much lately…impending graduation will do that to a person. The reality that my entire world will drastically shift in 29 days provides great motivation to stop, turn around, and look at just what the last 4 years have been.

I do not think I’ll fully be aware of what SPU has meant to me until many years down the line. I think that even though I may have a few minutes here and there to reflect and realize that this is all about to end…come September I will still be shocked that I’m not quitting my job and heading back to Seattle for another year of life as I now know it.

People keep asking me how I’m doing. I bet that every other senior is fielding this question left and right…I’m trying to assess how I’m doing, but I don’t know. I’m simply….doing. Every week flys by, and I keep meeting deadlines, completing what needs to be completed, running from one calendar appointment to the next, trying to laugh, live, love, and learn…and it’s just non-stop.

Yesterday I submitted a request to God. I asked Him that I would have space to process. I shared this request with Scott (my supervisor) on Tuesday and I’m pretty sure he prayed for me, because yesterday, somehow there was space for processing. I have had a few incredible conversations with dear friends, and those conversations have allowed me to try to piece together words to shape an understanding of where I’m at, where I’ve been, and where I’m going.

I realized yesterday that right now, I feel like I’m learning to surf. Mind you – surfing is a sport that I am still yet to conquer. Brandon valiantly tried to teach me this December, and all I could do was flounder about in the water like an unmyelinated infant. However, I remember the sensation of paddling out to the waves. I was overwhelmed by the wetsuit I was wearing, and struggling with the 7 ½ foot chunk of foam clutched in my arms. And I was paddling, paddling so hard. Every time a wave came, I had to push down on the board and dive under the wave. I’d emerge sputtering on the other side, only to paddlepaddle and dive under another wave. And then under another. And another.

And this is my life right now. I am working so hard, movingmovingmoving forward. And a wave comes – a deadline, and assignment, an appointment, a task…and I dive under it. And then there’s another. And another. And another. And the only thing I can see is the water pounding over my face. And I’m tired. And I keep paddling, but my arms are burning because I was not made to do this. And then there’s another wave. And time is going past me, but I am unable to see anything—the blue of the sky, the sandy beach, the people around me—but the water that is washing over me, and I can only focus on diving under the next task to emerge exhausted and sputtering on the other side and dive under the next one.

I don’t mean to complain. Yes, this quarter has been brutal. And yes, I am tired…so tired of being tired. But the reality is—if I hadn’t ended my time at SPU with such a draining quarter, I would never be ready to leave. As it currently stands, I am on the brink of leaving this beautiful place that has been my home, my heart, my community, and my life…and I am sitting in the library thinking about it and crying right now, but at the same time…I am ready to be done.

It’s all very confusing. I have never been in such a weird place. I am ready to go, but so sad to leave. I am angry that this quarter has completely brutalized me, but I am deeply thankful that in its brutality, the quarter has prepared me to go forth from this place. The craziest thing is that I’m going forth into the unknown.

I am a planner, and if you had asked me a month ago what my plans were post-graduation, I would have told you a fairly nice outline of what I saw before me. I had my plans rolled out on my future path like a red carpet of my own creation…and then this funny God I love has been steadily rolling that carpet back. He’s showing me that I am trying to force my future to fit the mold of my present understanding. He prompts me with questions like: do you really have to go to grad school after a year? Are you SURE that you want to be a school counselor? And then He nudges me with little challenges …I might have something else. There’s so much more than what I presently understand…He’s so much more than what I presently understand. There’s no fear that I’ll be left to go this alone, because I know that through thick and thin, He’s ridiculously faithful and will walk with me to the death and beyond. So I’m not afraid…and it’s weird to not be afraid. But He keeps gently reminding me that I do not know anything. ANYTHING.

To be completely honest, probably the greatest gift that SPU has given me is an awareness of my limits. Through four years of classes, people, and straight-up life…He’s taken all the things that I thought I needed to know (right and wrong, how life was rightly lived, what righteousness looks like, who God is, who I am and what I am going to do etc…) and splintered all my concrete ideas. I came into school with a very solid, defined, structured, and clear understanding of the world, faith, and God. And all He’s done is pull those ideas back, and reveal all to be so much more. He’s shown me that I am one little human with a genetically, culturally, and environmentally shaped lens of the world. And He’s proven Himself to transcend all my limits of understanding. He’s so much further beyond how I would categorize or define Him…beyond how my church raised me to understand Him…and I firmly believe that His relationship with humanity is much further beyond what any of us understand or believe. I will refrain from continuing this line of thinking because I’m realizing that I am still not finished processing it, and if I try to write something then I will end up coming across as a universal relativist and I’m not.

So let me wrap this up.
I am leaving. And I guess I’m ready to go…This life and time at SPU is over…but I am not leaving unaffected. My Lover is walking me out of this place…intimately humbling me and telling me to listen. Learn. Love. For all my fancy education, I have more left to learn than I can process in several lifetimes.

So when I’m crying 29 days from now…please remind me that I’m not done. This is not over. Yes, my time as an undergraduate student at Seattle Pacific University is coming to a close. But remind me that He is beyond this place. Tell me He is transcendent.

And then wrap me up in a hug and let me cry my face off anyway. Because no matter how tired I am and how much I have to look forward to…I will still mourn the closing of this season.